It Was Nothing
by Neddly
Summary: Eli has finally made that big step of becoming Clare's boyfriend, but lately, he's been questioning that decision. Eli doesn't want to talk about it. Instead, he insists "it's nothing" for Clare or Adam to worry about. But can they really trust that?
1. Distraction

These days, he was feeling distracted.

Eli forced himself to give a small smile with lackluster. Clare was seemingly bursting, grinning from ear to ear, happy, as always, just to be around him. Eli looked at Clare but his gaze was far away.

"So, do you want to go?" she asked, impatiently waiting for his response with a smile.

Her excitement seemed to be uncontainable, like any minute she would shoot off into the sky like a rocket. She rocked back and forth on her heels.

Eli squirmed, hesitating for just a moment.

"Yeahthat'dbegreat," he finally burst with a gasp of breath, making the whole sentence into one long breathless word. "Sure, if you want to."

Clare's eyes showed a twinkle and her nose scrunched ever so slightly. And at this, Eli gave a smile that was for real. He really did like Clare. That wasn't the problem.

"Wanna eat lunch with Alli and Drew?" Clare asked with that same surge of energy.

Eli admired her for that. She was happy, seemingly all the time. But what didn't she have to be happy about?

"I kinda said we would," Clare added mock guiltily with a sheepish smirk.

Eli breathed a murmur of a chuckle under his breath.

"Sure," he said.

With an apple in his left hand, he extended the other.

"My lady," he said poshly.

Clare smiled, balancing her yellow tray piled atop with carrots, milk and a tuna melt sandwich. She rearranged herself so that they could walk arm in arm toward the couple that from the outside appeared to have nothing in common with them.

Drew and Alli sat at an empty round table, wrapped in one another and kissing. Clare and Eli paused upon seeing this and exchanged glances. Eli looked away and Clare cleared her throat.

"Clare," Alli greeted enthusiastically.

Clare smiled and set her tray down. Eli mechanically settled down onto the seat, glancing around. The four must've looked like an odd grouping.

"I feel like it's been forever since we've hung out," Alli droned, grabbing Clare's hands.

Alli shifted her gaze to Elli and smiled.

"So, how are things," Alli asked in what she thought was a quiet and inaudible octave.

"Good," Clare smiled.

The girls giggled.

Whatever that meant, Eli thought, turning away. Drew sat across from him, just as out of the loop. He smiled nervously, flashing his three hundred perfect teeth.

"Girls," Drew said lightly, shaking his head and rolling his eyes as if to make small talk.

"Uh, yeah," Eli agreed uncertainly. "Girls"

Just then, Eli received a text. He gratefully opened it, welcoming the distraction.

Meet up in the library after school. –Adam

Eli put his phone away and Drew gave him yet another uncomfortable smile. Eli raised both his eyebrows, pretending to be playful, but what he really felt like being was gone.

_English_

"Hey, I missed you guys at lunch. Where were you?" Adam asked, setting his stuff down and taking his seat.

"We had lunch with Alli and your brother," Eli answered with a facetious grin.

Clare jovially pushed him forward.

"You can stop now!"

"I see..." Adam responded, nodding. "So did you get my message?"

Clare looked at Eli curiously.

"What message?" she implored.

"Uh, nothing. It was nothing."

Eli quickly took his seat and felt Clare's eyes burn into the back of his head. He knew she hated when he did that, and it was all the more reason to smile.

He had to admit, pushing Clare's buttons was probably the best, especially after making him spend his whole lunch hour listening to girl dribble and smiling awkwardly with Drew, someone he barely had anything in common with.

_Library_

Eli sat on top of one of the tables and scribbled into a notebook as Adam scanned the rows of books. Eli scratched his back in deep thought; he shook his head and hastily scribbled out the last lines he jotted down.

"Whatcha writing? Some poetry?" Adam smiled, pretending he was trying to peer over.

Eli slowly looked up, giving Adam a look.

"Yeah, got a problem?"

Adam looked somewhat stunned and backed away.

"Okay…"

"Look, here it is," Adam announced moments later. "This is the one I said I thought you would like. It's more your style."

Eli put down his writings and took the book Adam handed over.

"Is this the one about the headless superhero girl?"

"Yep," Adam confirmed.

"And this reminded you of me how?"

"It's good. Just read it."

Eli tossed it to the side and continued writing. Adam made a face.

"Someone's in a bad mood."

"Someone's just trying to concentrate," Eli corrected harshly.

Then he added, slightly more docile, "Have you ever thought of exactly what you wanted to say, you just didn't know how to say it?"

"Uh, sure. I guess. Is this about Clare?"

Eli got that same impatient, exasperated look.

"No, this has nothing to do with Clare."

"Eli, talk to me, man. What's up?"

"Clare and I are fine. Everything's great…"

Eli let his voice trail off and his eyes became far away again.

Adam looked weirded out.

"Okay, then," he said, heading back to the rows of books.

Eli looked at Adam for a moment, as if reaching out, but by then Adam was too distracted looking for more books to notice.

Eli looked up and took a deep breath.

When he finished his paper, he enclosed it-

To Julia


	2. Out of Mind and On Edge

Whoo, chapter two! I forgot to put the disclaimer that said I don't own Degrassi.

I don't own Degrassi

Eli was absentmindedly rearranging his locker when Clare snuck up on him from behind. Eli jumped, his thoughts lost. He felt a surge of frustration.

"What," Eli spat.

Clare paused, confusion completely all over her face. She furrowed her brows.

"Eli, what's wrong?"

Eli stopped to take a breath, looking away and calming himself down.

"Nothing. It was nothing," he finally said, convincing himself.

Clare was not so easily swayed.

"Did I do something?" she asked, confused.

Eli's face went soft and he reached for her hand.

"You just caught me a little off guard, that's all. I was thinking about something and you distracted me."

"Anything I should know about?" Clare pressed, searching his face for any hidden clues.

"No, it's nothing for you to worry about. Everything's fine," he said, trying for a smile.

Clare stared at him, trying to gather her thoughts. Eli let go of her hand and looked around. Where the hell was Adam when you needed him?

"C'mon, we're gonna be late," Eli said, changing the subject. He began to walk away and Clare dutifully followed behind.

"About Friday night..." Clare began slowly.

Eli's jaw clenched noticeably. Clare carried on, in her own world. Eli wanted to listen, but the sound of her voice kept being drowned out by his own racing thoughts, a million things that had nothing to do with Friday night- at least, not how Clare imagined they would.

He watched the people that passed them in the halls. Fitz was shoving some kid into a locker nearby.

"Sounds good?" Clare asked as they reached the door to English.

She stopped to put her back against the wall, looking up at him with those big eyes, clutching her notebooks tightly to her chest.

"Uh, yeah," Eli said, unsure of what he was agreeing to.

"Pick me up at seven?" she smiled.

"Um, Clare, about that. Morty's been having some problems lately. I dunno if I can…"

Clare's face fell instantly.

"Never mind, I'll make sure it can be fixed," he said, giving her a quick kiss on the lips. It was worth a try.

"Ughh," Adam said as he passed the two to enter the classroom. Clare smiled a silly grin.

Eli shot him a look but nevertheless straightened.


	3. Dreams and Reveries

Thanks for all the reviews, guys! I appreciate it =]

* * *

Eli was just finishing up his last round of video games before yawning and turning it off. It was well after midnight and he knew he had a long day ahead of him. As he threw the controller on top of his desk, his eyes caught onto his notebook.

Slowly, he made a reach for it, as if it might take a bite out of him. He opened it to the first page.

Just then, a cool breeze swept into the room from his opened window and fluttered the pages until finally the notebook settled on the poem he had written recently.

Maybe it was a sign, he had pondered. Then he shook his head. Maybe it was all in his head.

Eli's eyes grew wide with feelings as he reread over what he wrote. Finally, growing very tired, he closed the notebook and put it back where it had been.

Maybe it was her.

"_Eli," came a familiar voice._

"_Hey, what's up?" Eli asked, propping is phone between his face and his shoulder as he scrambled to turn the television volume down. He stood up._

"_You want me to meet you where?...Alright, I'll see you in a bit," Eli said, hanging up and walking towards the door._

_He caught sight of himself in the mirror by the front door. Eli's eyes popped nearly out of their sockets. His shirt was completely drenched in blood._

Eli slowly stirred awake. He immediately pulled himself to an upright position, glancing at the neon green numbers that illuminated from his bedside table- 1:32 AM.

"I've got to lay off the video games before bed," Eli slurred aloud to himself.

He went back to sleep.

* * *

A pale blur whizzed by Eli's face. He snapped out of his reverie and saw Adam.

"Hello?" he said after having waved his hand to get his attention

Eli looked away, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"You're lucky it wasn't Clare that came up. If she had seen the look on your face-"

"What's up?" Eli asked, blatantly interrupting him.

Adam took his spot next to Eli on the front steps of Degrassi.

"Baywatch marathon, you watch it?" Adam asked with a sly smile.

Eli looked at his friend and shook his head, smiling.

"So, it's official. Clare won't shut up about your guys' date this Friday."

Eli looked straight ahead and said nothing. Adam studied him.

"Do you not want to go?" Adam implored casually.

Eli looked down and kicked at a rock that lay near his foot.

"No, it's not that. I want to go," Eli murmured.

Adam nodded, though clearly not convinced. He joined Eli in staring at the pebble he was kicking around arbitrarily. An idea suddenly occurred to Eli and at this, his kicked too hard, sending the tiny rock off into the street. Eli suddenly looked up. Adam met his gaze.

"Just not _thi_s Friday," Eli added.

Adam shook his head, confused. "What's this Friday?"

"Adam, I've got something I need to do," Eli said, suddenly scrambling onto his feet. "See you at lunch?"

"Uhh, yeah," Adam said slowly. "Just ditch me, why don't ya?"

Eli rolled his eyes and pushed open the glass doors. Adam turned back around and shook his head. As he liked to say, he's a weird one.


	4. Unnatural Feelings

"What's this, more poetry?" Clare asked in a playful tone.

Eli had been the first to English class and when Clare crept up on him, he jumped, automatically slamming the book shut. Clare flinched. Adam raised an eyebrow.

Eli tried to laugh it off.

"I guess I'm a little hyped up," he said with a wheezy chuckle.

Clare slowly, quietly took her seat.

"He's been working on that all day," Adam whispered to Clare. "He didn't even eat at lunch."

Clare shrugged it off.

"Sometimes he gets a little absorbed in his work," she said uncertainly.

"Right," Adam responded sarcastically.

Clare glanced at him but barely paid him any attention. She looked at the back of Eli's head and frowned thoughtfully.

"Has he said anything…?"

"Oh, no, don't look at me," Adam said, holding up both hands in mock surrender.

Eli tried to keep his attention to the front of the class but his mind was miles away.

* * *

"Yes, Clare, everything's fine…No, there's no need to worry….I told you…right….yeah…Clare…alright…I promise….Now, will you please get some sleep, for me?"

Eli began to pull back his sheets, struggling to get off the phone with a very anxious girlfriend. Suddenly, he stopped to smile.

"I like you, too."

Gratefully, he slid into bed and listened to the sounds outside his window. He closed his eyes.

_Eli clutched his jacket in the night and felt the cool air numb his hot skin. He liked the sound of fallen leaves crunching under the weight of his every step. He looked up at the sky and observed it, taking in everything._

_He began to see the faint outline of his sweetheart. He could also begin to hear the distant sounds of bike chains._

"_Hey," he said, his signature lopsided grin in place._

"_Hi," she said, smiling back and stepping off her bicycle._

_He took her hand and pulled her towards him, laughing. She slid her arms around his neck and gazed into his eyes._

"_This sneaking out, it's so dangerous," she said teasingly._

_Eli nodded, huffing out something of a laugh._

"_Yup"_

_He leaned in closer._

"_I have something I've got to tell you!" she said, pulling away._

"_Okay," he said, still smiling. "So tell me."_

"_I love you," she said._

_Eli gave a low, deep chuckle._

"_Come here, you," he said, pulling her back._

_He kissed her._

"_I love you, too, Julia."_


	5. Fluctuating Eli

Eli remembered everything about her- the way she dressed, her sense of humor, how her hair used to stick to her face when it was raining out- at least, he could.

But lately, it wasn't as easy. Some things required a bit of effort to recall.

Eli sat at one of the tables by the ravine that next day, trying but failing to discretely pucker his lips. He was trying to remember how her lips felt against his.

"Hey, you," Clare said, and gave him a kiss on his seemingly awaiting mouth before he had time to process what was going on.

Eli stirred.

"I've been looking all over for you," Clare said smiling. "I want to talk about tonight."

Eli squirmed.

"I was thinking, maybe we could double with Alli and Drew."

Eli tried for a smile.

"Sure," he said.

His mind began to wonder again when she reached for his lonely hand.

"I'm really looking forward to it," she said, looking into his eyes to show she meant it. "I know conventional 'dinner and a movie' isn't your thing. So thank you," she said, smiling sweetly.

Eli smiled uncomfortably. Here she was showing gratitude, and all he could think about was his dead girlfriend. He squeezed her hand.

"You owe me," he said.

Clare shook her head and rolled her eyes.

* * *

Eli nervously waited behind the wheel of Morty. He was parked in front of the Edward's household and he was struggling to keep his thoughts in order.

Eli looked up and did a double take. Clare was just slipping out the door and she looked amazing.

"Wow," Eli breathed, his eyes fluttering.

Clare smiled shyly and waved as she approached the car. Eli jumped up to get out and to the other side of the car.

"Hi," she said, looking down.

Eli's eyes lowered, his expression still stunned. He mechanically opened the door. Clare grinned and slipped in. He smiled an awestruck smile and gently closed the door.

Clare waited anxiously inside as she watched Eli jog back to the driver's side. Once he got in, the two looked at each other in silence.

"You look incredible," he said.

"Thanks," Clare said, sounding breathless.

Eli smiled to himself.

"You don't look too bad yourself," she added, reaching over to touch his collar.

He grabbed her hand and stopped her mid-action. She was so pretty, and it was so perfect. It was exactly what he need.

He leaned over and kissed her. Hard.

He kept going and going. He couldn't stop himself, even when he heard her make slight squeals of protest. She put her hand on his chest and it made him think she was starting to get into it, but she pushed him away. Her lips were red and raw looking.

"What was that?" she wheezed.

"I was just-"

"My parents are right inside!"

Eli leaned back, as if wounded.

"I'm sorry…" he said softly.

Clare gave him a worried look.

"What's going on?"

Eli shot her a look.

"I said I was sorry!"

Clare sat back in her seat, as if frightened.

Eli's knuckles were ghost white as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

"I really want to like you, Clare," he said cryptically.

Clare's heart skipped a beat; her eyes flitted like mad over his face. He looked at her, his eyes flashing dark.

"Maybe," he said, "maybe this was a mistake…"


	6. The Truth Comes Out

Clare huffily got out of the car and slammed the door shut. Eli's jaw clenched tight and he was visibly angry. He got out the car and he, too, slammed the door behind him.

"Clare, come on!" he shouted over the top of Morty.

Clare began to walk, to nowhere in particular.

"Where are you going?" he asked, only slightly annoyed.

Clare whipped around.

"Well, I can't go home! I'd look like an idiot."

Eli rolled his eyes and jogged to catch up with her.

"Clare," he said, making a grab for her hand.

"Let me go!" she fumed, turning around and yanking her hand back.

Eli's eyes suddenly went blank.

* * *

"_Sometimes it feels like you don't."_

"_Don't what?" Eli had asked, but he didn't really care. He didn't want to stop kissing her._

"_Care about me," she said._

_Eli pulled away and confusion was all over his face._

"_What are you talking about? Of course I care!"_

_Julia shifted under his intense gaze._

"_Well, it's like last weekend, at my dad's house…"_

"_What, that? Again!" Eli spat incredulously._

_Julia frowned, becoming impatient._

"_I just don't get what the big deal was about-"_

"_Jeez, Julia, we've talked about this! Over and over again," Eli protested._

"_Well, I'm sorry if it's annoying you!" Julia shot back very sarcastically._

_Eli's blood began to boil and he struggled to keep his cool, biting down hard on his lip._

_Julia started towards her bike and he grabbed her hand._

"_Let go of me, Eli!"_

"_Fine, go!"_

_Julia looked at him as if she no longer recognized him. She hopped on her bike and sped away._

_

* * *

_

"What is wrong with you!" Clare yelled. "One minute, you're coming at me like a monster and the next minute, you're completely spaced out."

Eli's arm was frozen in mid air from when he grabbed Clare's hand. He quickly recoiled it, snapping back to reality. He put his hands on his head looking very anxious and confused.

"I'm a monster," he whispered, agreeing with Clare. "What am I doing?"

"Eli…"

"I…I have to…I have to go," he stammered, backing away. "I'm sorry. I have to go."

Eli fumbled with his car keys.


	7. Blowing Candles and Blown Chances

Thanks for all the reviews, guys. I appreciate it! Hugs for you all. The more reviews, the merrier. Who knows, it may even inspire more chapters/ faster writing!

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

* * *

"No, wait. I'm coming with you," Clare declared.

Eli held out a hand to stop her.

"No, Clare, I really think you should stay right there," Eli said, backing up more rapidly.

"Eli, what's wrong! Let me help!" Clare pleaded, her eyes watering, her lips quivering.

Eli paused, his mouth gaped in helplessness. He would really hate to see her cry. He sat down on the sidewalk, defeated.

"Today's her birthday," he said. "It's her birthday and I'm out with another girl."

He put his face in his hands, suddenly overcome by fatigue.

"So, that's why you've been acting so weird lately?" Clare asked quietly.

"I'm still the same. I'm no better. Look at how I flipped out on you."

Clare knelt down beside him.

"You still blame yourself…" she breathed in disbelief, looking sad.

"You know, Eli, we don't have to go…"

"I know. But I wanna make you happy, Jules."

Clare stiffened.

"Clare! You know I meant Clare. I'm just really tired and it's been a day…"

Slowly, she lightly put her hand on his shoulder.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe this isn't going to work. You're not ready."

"No, Clare," he said, straightening himself as he turned to face her. "I really like you."

Clare sighed.

"I like you, too."

"We can't break up. I don't want to."

Clare looked away and Eli's stomach dropped with dread.

"Clare…"

"Maybe we should sleep on it," she said calmly, almost without any emotion at all.

Eli's mouth gaped but he could say nothing. He sighed.

"I guess."

"See you at school?" Clare said, brushing herself off as she stood.

"Wait, what about dinner?" Eli asked suddenly.

Clare tilted her head.

"Right now, I'm worried about you. You need some rest. I'm sure it'll all look better in the morning."

Eli winced as if physically struck.

"You're right," he said, sounding funny. He cleared his throat. "I'll just go?"

Clare nodded.

"I think it's best."

"Okay…" he said, but his feet wouldn't budge. He finally leaned in for a kiss.

Clare gave him the cheek.

"Right," he murmured, looking down. "Alright, I'll go now. Bye."

"Bye"

Clare watched as Eli slowly pulled from her curb and onto the street. She waved him off until his black car was no longer visible in the night; she bit her lip. Clare had a lot to go over in her mind. And a big decision to make.


	8. Before the Bell

I'm determined to make this my best chapter yet! For all my readers (few but loyal!), let me know if I succeed.

* * *

"That's completely ridiculous!" Alli hissed at Clare from across the table that following Monday morning. Clare looked about her outdoor surroundings, hesitating to meet her friend's hot, intense gaze that expected some sort of corroboration.

But the truth was, Clare didn't feel like dumping on Eli, or that night. Honestly, how could she blame him? How was it not slightly expected? She felt somewhat responsible.

"Alli, I did sort of pressure him into this relationship…"

"Oh no, don't go blaming yourself for his psychosis. Even you have to admit, Clare, it's pretty pathetic. I mean, she died like, what, two years ago?" Alli said, practically rolling her eyes the whole time.

Clare squirmed, beginning to feel uncomfortable with the topic of Eli's dead girlfriend being brought up. She knew Alli was on her side and only trying to protect her. Still, there was no clear difinitive of who was right or wrong.

"Alli, someone he loved and cared about died. Imagine how you'd feel."

Alli was quiet for a moment, as if mulling it over. Still, she sighed.

"So…what? You're just going to forgive him?"

Clare tilted her head, unsure how to answer the question.

"There's nothing to forgive…"

"So, you're just going to pretend this whole thing never happened? He didn't call you by his dead ex-girlfriend's name and then have a total meltdown on your front sidewalk?"

Clare was beginning to feel frustrated and confused, bombarded by all the blatant questions.

"Alli," Clare began, annoyed. Her voice trailed. Clare sighed.

Alli's face softened.

"So, you're not going to break-up with him?" Alli asked quietly, more out care for a friend than sarcasm-enriched interrogation.

Clare thoughtfully propped her elbow on the table.

"Well, I didn't say that…" Clare said, shocking Alli, as she scanned the front steps of Degrassi, secretly hoping for a sight of black in a blur of color.

* * *

Eli didn't get out right away after he shifted Morty into park. He stared out blankly at the students that hung out and were playing basketball before the first bell.

Eli clenched the steering wheel, but this time, for strength and support, as he tried to gather up the nerve to walk into school. He'd made such a fool of himself the other night; how could he possibly face her? Yelling and crying like that? And she hadn't returned not one of his phone calls the whole weekend following. He couldn't help but think that he had really blown it this time.

Eli closed his eyes, overcome by raw emotions at this realization. He really couldn't bear the thought of losing Clare, the first girl he cared about since…

But Eli wasn't going down that road again. Never again.

Eli looked around, hoping to find her. Hoping to find a swirl of hue in a dusk of dark.

* * *

"Trust me, you'd be much better off without him," Alli reassured, vaguely noticing Clare's lapsing attention.

"Alli, it's not that simple," Clare murmured, sounding worn out.

Clare watched as KC walked up the entrance steps with a girl whom she did not recognize. Alli noticed this and thought she understood what her friend was thinking.

"Sure, Eli's not as bad. That still doesn't mean you should go attaching yourself to the first boy who's nicer than KC. That's not saying very much," Alli thought aloud, trying for a joke as she opened a package of fruit snacks.

Alli was entirely oblivious.

Clare scanned the area some more. There was no doubt that he'd be here by now.

* * *

Eli was careful to blend in in an effort to not be seen. He eased himself on top a table and set his backpack down. A quick glance around told Eli exactly where Clare was. He watched as she sat with Ali, her back towards the ravine, her attention in the direction of the front of the school.

She was probably keeping a lookout for him, so she could avoid him.

Eli's countenance grew more intense as he continued to gaze.

"Remember Johnny?" Alli went on. "He was such a jerk. But did I see it? No. I wanted so much for him to like me. You don't have to put up with anything, Clare. Any guy would be lucky to have you. You. That should be enough. You don't need the pressure of living up to some ghost of a memory. That's pretty morbid, actually…"

Clare slowly turned to face her friend. The more Alli talked, the more she began to agree with her.

Eli studied her every move, hoping to catch the vibes she was putting off. He was trying so desperately to determine her mood, what she was thinking…

"Yo, my man, how was the date this weekend. You didn't text me to tell me what happened," Adam said, plopping down next to Eli.

Eli's face flashed dark in annoyance.

"Do you purposely choose the worst times to show up?" Eli spat, temporarily distracted from his spying.

Adam's face scrunched up in confusion.

"Well, I was waiting for you..I haven't heard from you all weekend. What's up?" he asked, sounding worried.

Eli sighed. He turned to Adam with faded green eyes, all worn out from exhaustion and worry.

"I blew it."

"Uh-oh. What'd you do this time?"

Eli looked down, clenching his jaw.

"I…I called her by my ex-girlfriend's name. And then I totally freaked out on her. I let her down. She's going to dump me for sure."

Adam looked at Eli, and then followed his gaze. Clare was still talking to Alli, and neither were smiling.

"C'mon, man, you don't know that," Adam said, awkwardly trying to be optimistic.

Eli turned to give his friend an incredulous look. Adam slinked away.

"Well, why not write her a poem or something," Adam suggested.

"It's way beyond that," Eli said as he shook his head, looking towards the sky. "I don't think there's anything I can do."

"So, you're giving up?" Adam asked.

Eli looked him right in the eyes.

"It's over. I've already lost her."

And at this, Eli slouched ever lower in disconcertment.

* * *

"I mean, what good qualities did he have besides just good kissing?"

Clare smiled with lackluster. Quite frankly, she was growing tired of Alli's persuasions.

"The bell's going to ring in a bit," Clare said, packing up her stuff.

Adam looked uncomfortable, having nothing to offer his friend.

"We better get going. Econ starts in a few."

Eli gathered his things to leave.

"Did you study for Armstrong's test?" Alli asked conversationally.

"Yeah, the review packet was pretty easy."

Clare threw her backpack over her shoulder and cleared away her trash. When she turned back, she saw him, walking towards the front steps with Adam, like usual, like normal. It was as if she didn't even know him. For the first time since they became friends, they were in two separate worlds again.

He looked the same, but it wasn't as if she was expecting him to be different. And she certainly hadn't changed. As far as how she felt and where they stood, was anything really different?

Clare tried searching around in her gut. She had to make a decision.

She watched as he trekked up the steps. As he slid through the glass doors, she swore she felt an answer. Finally, she knew. And she was going to tell him first thing.


	9. Eli Makes a Promise

Thanks again for the replies, guys! This next chapter is kinda cheesy lol Please review!

* * *

Clare held her breath and forced herself to take the plunge. Nervously, she entered the classroom.

Eli was just sitting there, staring down at his desk, twiddling his thumbs. Oddly enough, Adam was also avoiding eye contact, staring straight ahead.

Clare saw this and ruefully took her seat.

"Alright, class, let's begin," announced Ms. Dawes.

Eli dutifully took out his notebook and began to flip through its pages. Adam looked over sympathetically but continued in doing the same.

Clare slowly reached over to tap Eli but completely froze mid-air, her index hovering dangerously close over his slumped shoulder. She quickly recoiled her arm.

Eli, completely unaware, kept his heavy gaze on Ms. Dawes. He looked tired, dark circles forming under his eyes. He was emotionally spent.

"For out next assignment, I'd like you all to imagine a place, somewhere you feel safe or comfortable- a place you feel you can be yourself."

Clare watched as Eli shifted in his seat.

"Think of this place. Now, write about it. I expect this to be done by Friday, along with your weekly poem analysis exercises."

Eli slowly began to scrawl notes in his notebook with Clare watching curiously. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. This was going to be difficult.

Soon, time came and went. The bell rang and all at once the class sprang to its feet and exited like a herd of sheep.

Eli mechanically packed up his belongings and began to head out with the rest of them. Adam and Clare caught eyes before she went to catch up with him.

"E..Eli," Clare stammered, popping up at his side.

Eli acknowledged her but said nothing, walking ahead like a zombie.

"I need to talk to you," she said, jumping in front of him.

He stopped. Clare took his hand and led him to the lockers. She gripped her notebooks and bit her lip.

"Look, Clare, I already know what you're going to say," Eli said mournfully. His face swelled up with emotion as he leaned in.

"I just don't want you to say it," he murmured. "So, please, don't say it."

Eli walked away, leaving Clare alone and frustrated. She turned sharply on her heel and raced to catch up with him again.

"But Eli, I really think we should talk this thing through," Clare said sternly, asserting herself.

Eli frowned.

"What else is there left to say?"

He started to walk away again when Clare reached for his arm. Eli looked down at her hand clutching his. Clare quickly let go.

"We have to talk about this," Clare insisted.

Eli watched her thoughtfully.

Clare shifted under the weight of his gaze.

"We both know what you're going to say."

"Oh really?" Clare demanded angrily.

Eli sighed, disappointed in how the conversation was turning.

"I think I've been through enough. I need to go," Eli said matter-of-factly.

"Meet me in the library after school," Clare said.

Eli said nothing as he walked away.

* * *

"Buy her a card," Adam suggested.

Eli shook his head, looking down.

"No," he growled.

For the past twenty minutes Adam had tried unsuccessfully to make suggestions on how to win Clare back. Quite frankly, he was sick of it. What was done was done and that's just all there was to it.

"Why not try opening up to her some more? That seemed to work last time. Try and look at it from her side. She has no idea where you're coming from and it's not her fault. Talk to her."

Eli pinched the bridge of his nose, fully ready to denounce the idea, but then he paused.

"What if she thinks I'm a freak? I can't tell her about all those dreams," Eli drawled slowly, the wheels in his mind still turning as he continued to process the idea. He was actually considering it.

Adam thought for a moment.

"Clare's cool. And she likes you. I'm sure she'll understand."

"Oh yeah, she likes me? I'm not so sure anymore, not after that night."

Adam gave Eli a heavy pat on the shoulder.

"It's probably the only shot you've got. If you're so sure you've lost her already, then you might as well. You've got nothing to lose."

Eli slowly brought his head up and met Adam's gaze.

"You think it'll work?"

Adam scrunched his nose in thought.

"I think you should try."

* * *

"Clare," Eli said, rushing towards her with his backpack slung over one shoulder and headphones around his neck. He gave her a nod in greeting, relieved that he did not miss her.

Clare jumped, a little wound up and anxious. She immediately stood up from her seat with clenched fists bound tight by her sides.

"Eli-," Clare began when he held a finger gently to her mouth to silence her.

"Before you go, I have something I want to tell you."

He slowly moved his finger and tentatively watched her expression. She looked back at him, waiting for him to continue.

"I…don't know how to say this. So, I'll just say it."

He sat down and Clare slowly took her seat again. She watched as he fiddled his fingers. He then began to tap them on the desk at a rapid speed. He suddenly stopped and looked up, meeting her confused and expectant gaze.

"I've been having these dreams," he murmured, wondering how that sounded. "Anytime it gets close to an important day for her, or for us, I can't help. I think about her."

Clare continued to sit in silence, encouraging him to go on. He swallowed hard, hoping she would stop him at any time.

"Especially her birthday, I feel guilty," Eli said as he looked aside, feeling ashamed. "A birthday is a reminder of life and another year lived- another year she doesn't have, because of me."

Clare began to open her mouth when Eli quickly continued.

"I know what you're going to say," he blurted, feeling flustered, and then, more quietly and calmly, "It's not my fault. But that doesn't change the way I feel, Clare. Yes, technically I am at no fault for her death. But, Clare, if I hadn't…if I…," Eli had to stop to evaluate the look on Clare's face.

She stared down at the wooden library desk as if thinking. When she realized he was no longer speaking, she looked up, teary eyed.

"Clare, don't cry," Eli pleaded. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I know that if you break up with me, I deserve it. I just thought you deserved to know. I still think about her, but not in the way that you might think. I think about her in a way that makes me feel remorse and guilt. But she's the past," Eli said firmly. "You…you are my present, or were, depending on what you decide," he mumbled out quickly.

Clare looked clearly dazed, as if her whole world had gone askew. She reached for his hand across the table.

"How am I supposed to compete with a ghost?" she said.

Eli furiously shook his head. He got up and kneeled by her side. With her hand still in his, he looked up at her with the most sincere gaze he had, to his knowledge, ever given anybody.

"I don't want you to. You don't have to. I never want you to feel like you have to, because you don't. Clare, I like you. And that's not gonna change because I think about her from time to time. Honestly, I'd much rather think about you, and I do, a lot."

He reached up to touch her cheek.

"You always make me smile," he said, his lopsided grin taking place.

She shoved him.

"Oh, you think that grin will work for everything?" Clare said, rolling her eyes.

"Doesn't it?" he asked, breathing a chuckle.

Then, he suddenly became more somber. He stared at her lips. Clare felt what was in her gut. And right now, her gut was telling her to kiss him.


	10. Twist My Rubber Arm, Girlfriend

Hey guys. I know people are reading but it doesn't seem like there's much interest. This may probably be the last chapter, unless I get some insane amount of reviews, which I doubt will happen. This was only my first Eclare fanfic and I'm sure with time I will get better. Thanks to all who have read and reviewed! Your words were encouraging and kept this story alive :] This chapter is dedicated to you.

* * *

_Dammit, Eli_, he thought to himself.

Clare wrapped her arms around him in relief. Eli frowned thoughtfully as he awkwardly put his arms around her, as if suddenly unsure how to hold her.

"Now, what were you going to say?" Eli asked after they parted.

Clare shook her head.

"It doesn't matter," she said, smiling.

Only, Eli wasn't smiling back.

"So, you were going to break up with me?"

Clare reached for his hand.

"How about you think about what I am doing instead of what I was going to do?"

"So, if I hadn't said anything-?"

"Coffee?" Clare interrupted, standing up and packing up her books.

The corner of Eli's lip twitched upward in bemusement.

"Raincheck?"

Clare nodded.

"Call you tonight?"

Eli nodded.

When Clare left, Eli stared at his fist in reverie. What had he just done?

* * *

"Hey, I got your message," Adam said, arriving at The Dot and taking his seat at the table. "What was so urgent? Did you talk to her?"

Eli paused when Peter came up.

"You guys ready to order?" he asked, pen at the ready.

"I'll have some fries," Adam said.

Eli shook his head.

"I'm not hungry."

"Okay…"Peter murmured as he scribbled. "And to drink?"

"Two cokes," Eli responded automatically.

"Alright…comin' right up."

Eli nodded in appreciation but was quickly hit with panic. As Peter left, he noticed a couple sitting a few tables away. He quickly shifted the other way.

Adam raised a brow.

"Um, Eli, man, what's with you?"

"Nothing," he said, sounding anxious.

Adam looked over and smiled.

"It's just Alli and Drew."

"Yeah, but Clare invited me for coffee. I kind of blew her off."

Adam immediately grew smug looking.

"Ah…so finally it is the other way around. You are lying to her to secretly see me. I'm touched."

Eli shot him a quick look.

"So, what happened?"

"I talked to her."

"Like I said?"

"Yeah…"

Adam raised a brow.

"Well, didn't it work?"

"Yes it worked."

"So…that's good news," Adam said slowly.

Eli sighed.

"I sort of…lied."

"You sort of-?"

"I told her that the reason why I've been thinking of Julia so much lately is because it was her birthday and I'm feeling guilty about her death."

"Well, isn't that the truth?" Adam asked, growing more confused.

"Not exactly," Eli began slowly, trying to put it into words. "Well, yes and no."

"Eli, man, I'm not following. Maybe I'm a little slow-," Adam began.

"I do think about her the most on her birthday…and our anniversary, and the day she died. But since I've been with Clare…I think about her more in general. I don't think it's Clare. Her and Julia are virtually incomparable. But I think it's this relationship…I don't know. Maybe I'm not ready to be involved. I mean, what if it's too soon? But then I think, you selfish jerk. I'm stringing her along."

Adam opened his mouth but was clearly too bewildered to speak.

"I like her," Eli insisted adamantly. "But maybe that's what makes this whole thing so complicated. When I thought she was going to break up with me, I was miserable. Now, I feel lousy."

Adam shook his head and raised his brows in awe.

"Wow, Eli…you really need to make up your mind."

"Don't you think I know how this sounds? It sounds crazy. I sound crazy."

Adam shook his head, a small smile in place.

"I'm glad I'm not in your situation."

"Thanks," Eli said acidly, looking very sarcastic.

Adam put both hands face down on the table.

"Bottom line, do you want Clare to be your girlfriend?"

"Yes…I do."

"Do you like her?"

"Of course"

"And is she the first girl to make you feel good after…you know?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, then, case closed. That was easy."

Eli scoffed.

Yeah, he thought. Easy.

* * *

Clare settled into bed and dialed his number. She rested her head on her pillows and listened as the dial tone cooed in her ear.

"Hello?"

"Eli…How come you didn't pick up the first time I called?"

"I..I was busy. I guess I didn't feel my phone vibrate in my pocket," he said, the sound of street noises in the background.

"Oh. Where are you?"

"I'm on my way to this place."

"It's ten o'clock on a school night, Eli. Where do you possibly have to go?"

"I don't know. You tell me. Open your window."

Clare's heart skipped a beat. She froze, her fingers numbed as she clutched her phone. Eli was silent on the other end.

"Are..are you serious?" she asked, jumping up, preparing to shoo him away. What was he thinking, visiting her at this time of night?

Clare propped the phone between her shoulder and cheek and slid open her window as quietly as she could. She scanned her front yard side to side.

"Ah, just kidding," Eli said, snickering.

Clare sighed in relief.

"Eli, you scared-," Clare started to say, becoming wheezy from the excitement.

"I'm still a couple blocks away."

"You're what?" she exclaimed.

"I want to show you something," he said as if that were completely normal.

Clare's mouth hung open.

"Well…can't it wait until tomorrow?" she squealed, completely perplexed and taken about. "I'm in my _pajamas_."

"Ooh, cute," Eli joked.

Clare rolled her eyes, leaning against her window.

"I am serious, Eli. What is so important-?"

"It's homework," he said simply.

"Homework? Right," Clare said viciously.

"Clare!" his voice sounded, but it wasn't coming from her phone.

Clare slowly turned to look outside.

Eli looked up, holding his bike steady by his side. His green eyes twinkled with energy and excitement.

"Look, Eli, you have to…"

"Come with me!" Eli shouted up in a hushed voice.

"No!" Clare whispered back.

Eli smiled.

"Please?"

Clare puckered her lips in disapproval.

"It'll be fun…" Eli taunted, looking a little too mischievous.

Clare raised a brow, hand on hip.

Eli immediately realized how that sounded, his eyes widening. He motioned with his hands.

"No, not like that. Of course I didn't mean…" he trailed off, looking abashed but laughing nervously with his lips.

Clare smiled despite herself.

"Let me get my jacket," she said, rolling her eyes.

Eli broke out into a full on grin that seemed to consume his entire face.

Eli waited patiently outside by his bike. He crossed his arms over his chest in an attempt to shield himself from the night air's chill. He observed all the neat looking houses along the street. What a nice neighborhood to live in. Eli shivered slightly and looked up at the crescent moon. That's when he heard dead leaves crunching behind him. Eli turned around and saw Clare trekking trepidatiously toward him, wearing pajama pants with cows on them, running sneakers, a green top and a denim jacket. She carried a flashlight but her side.

"This is really stupid," Clare whispered, glancing about like mad.

Eli smiled.

"What?" she spat.

"You're cute."

Clare rolled her eyes.

"So, where are we going?"

Eli glanced behind her.

"Get your bike. Follow me."

Clare shook her head and had a countenance of protest but calmly obliged nonetheless.

They pedaled for what seemed like hours. Clare looked at her surroundings and began to figure where they were heading. She was suddenly wondering why he would bring her here. Ahead, Eli gradually came to a stop. He hopped off his bike slowly and took a deep breath in.

"I think I'm having déjà vu," Clare said.

Eli looked at her but said nothing.

"This is where you killed your ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know. We've already done this," Clare said, feelings of fatigue and exasperation flooding her. "But why are we here? Why did you drag me out of bed to-?"

"This is where I killed my dead ex-girlfriend," Eli reiterated, his eyes far away. "But did I ever tell you _why_ we were here to begin with?"

Clare paused thoughtfully.

"This was our place. We liked to come here at night to watch the stars, hear the crickets, and see the cars pass by. This is where I killed my ex-girlfriend but this is also the place where I felt the most comfortable, the most like myself, the-,"

"The assignment," Clare whispered. It was finally starting to click into place.

"It's not just that, Clare," Eli said, looking frustrated. "I want you to realize that certain things about me…certain things about my life lead right back to Julia. I want you to know that. It shouldn't surprise you. It's to be expected…" he trailed, looking away for fear of her reaction.

Clare's eyes grew soft.

"If you're going to be with me, I need you to know that. By dating me, you're accepting my past. I don't want to feel bad about thinking about those days. It's part of who I am. And it's nothing against you. This is just me. It's my stuff…"

Clare took a few steps toward him. She pushed back the hair that hung in his face.

"Eli, it's okay. I get it now. I understand."

"And I'm trying here, I really am, to be the perfect boyfriend…for you."

Clare smiled softly, her heart feeling heavy.

"I don't want the perfect boyfriend. I want you to be happy."

Eli leaned in to kiss her.

"This was our spot, and I'm sharing it with you. I'm sharing this kiss with that memory."

Clare hugged him and he felt her shivering.

"I like you, Eli."

"I like you, too…Clarebear."

Clare laughed.

"You remembered my name this time. I'm impressed."

"I know right," he said, laughing. "Let's get you home now."

Clare pulled him in for another kiss.

"This was nice."

"Anything for you, girlfriend."

Clare hopped on her bike.

"It's freezing. We should have taken Morty."

"Be quiet and enjoy the stars," Eli said mildly.

And together, they rode back in the darkness.


End file.
